Maybe Next Time Around

This is kind of two posts rolled into one. I've mulled it around for a few years now but just couldn't quite pull it together. Some things are just hard to put into words.

I am a strong believer in Reincarnation. I always have been and although I don't really know why; it just feels right to me. I believe that before we come into this world (again) we tell God what kind of a life we want to have. Depending on how we lived the last time around we may choose a harder life to make up for our deeds in the former life. It is a way for the soul's progression to higher planes of spiritual knowledge and understanding. Each religion has their own take on it. So it's like we have to keep coming back until we reach that point. I may not have the right words to explain my understanding, but that's the gist of it.

But even with those beliefs I have a hard time with the feeling that I actually chose this life. Everyday seems like such a struggle to me in some way or the other. It's always been like that, ever since I can remember. When I was much younger living at home I was pretty convinced I was crazy, I just always felt different. My parents sent me to a therapist-once-because I had suicidal thoughts. The way she tells it, people like that are 'looking for attention'. Thanks Mom, that's ever so helpful. And that one visit really fixed me right up *choke*.

This life just seems so hard to me, every day is the same with the same dark cloud over me from sunup to sundown. I feel like I have no purpose in life, I don't know why I'm here. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and feel socially retarded. I feel like I'm always taking three steps forward and two back. I'm not getting any younger and have nothing to show for myself. I'm not looking forward to the upcoming holidays and I'm losing interest in things I used to enjoy.

Now please I don't want anyone calling 911 for a welfare check in Spokane! And I'm not looking for sympathy or you to try and cheer me up. I watch the news with all of the bad things going on in the world and feel shame for how pitiful I sound. And no, I will never do therapy again--I tried later in my 20's and hated every second of it. I've tried meds too, so please  don't suggest it. I have accepted that this is my lot in life and that brings me back to my original point.

So if this is what I truly believe (Reincarnation), I must have done some bad shit in my former life for me to take this life on. And am I learning anything and ascending to a higher being? I sure don't feel like I am. So what happens when I'm at the end of this life and I'm nowhere where I want to be; will I make the choice to take on a harder life next time around? Can I just take a pass and say "Ok God, I screwed up another one but I'm really tired. Can I have a nice pampered life with no struggles? Please and Thank-You."

Maybe my interpretation of Reincarnation is all wrong and it doesn't work like that. I make it sound like punishment, don't I? But it would be in a way to have to leave the comfy clouds of Heaven to come back here. So now I'm curious, anyone else believe in Reincarnation or do you think that once your dead, your dead?

The end, kaput, finito!


Grumpy said…
I believe that once you're dead, you're dead.

But since none of us knows for sure it might be a good idea to try to make the life you have better.

I'm living proof that the right drugs can work. Find a doctor willing to take the time to diagnose you properly and find what works for you.
Peruby said…
I'm used to go to Sunday School. Them I was agnostic, then it was once you're dead - you're dead.

I have no idea what I believe, now.

I do agree with Grumpy on the meds. What you are writing are classic examples of depression. I apologize because you said do not mention meds, but they also worked for me.

Did you give the medication time to work? It takes a while.

Please know that everybody feels this way from time to time - most of us feel exactly what you are describing.

You are not crazy.
Anonymous said…
If you're crazy, we're all crazy because we all get to feeling more or less the same way at some time. I've never thought I was reincarnated from someone or something else because I've always been so dumb that I could not have lived before and be this ignorant. When someone asked me about this I tell them I'm agnostic. Yet when some of my dearest are going through a medical crisis, I feel the need to pray for them if I can't help in no other way. Yet I don't believe there's a God to pay any attention to me. So I guess I'm an agnostic that prays. I've always felt life was hard. Life has been a struggle. The only time I can remember relaxing is after I retired. I think I know how you feel. Forgive this long post. Best wishes.

Mr. Shife said…
I don't know how I feel about what happens after you pass away. After my mom died, I got so many messages and signs from here that it made me believe that there is something else out there. I hope so but I guess I won't know until it's my time. Hope you have a good weekend, and you are not alone in a lot those feelings that you mentioned. I have bouts of depression and how you described is how I will feel. It's not a lot of fun but I've learned through therapy that what works for me is talking about it and getting it out there so maybe expressing yourself on your blog will make you feel better. Take care kden.
Claire M. King said…
Oh my gosh, my friend. I have been feeling very low myself lately, for unknown reasons. I think what is beyond us is always in question and a topic of great debate for everyone. We all have our own beliefs.
I do believe in reincarnation and I think each time we "come back," we are suppose to pull the best of our past and reuse what we learn in order to be greater each time. I am waiting for my greatest life as well, except I am not sure if I am living it now or if it is to come.

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