When A Boy Dumps A Girl

By now you will have figured out that my daughter's long distance boyfriend broke up with her by the little hints I've left. It happened suddenly, three days before her birthday. The odd thing is, he told me first via text very early that morning. The texts came so fast I tried to answer but couldn't keep up. I asked him to move the conversation to FB to make it easier for me. His speech was too rehearsed and I think he had written it earlier and just copied/pasted. I was so shocked and almost went as far as to beg him not to do it.

But maybe my heart knew it was the best thing to do. The differences were many; she valued good grades, he valued church and was behind in his online schooling. His mom either didn't know about my daughter or didn't want to, and I adored the boy. The biggest difference was the distance; they were almost doomed from the start.

He claimed it was just too hard to keep going and lie to his mom and that my daughter deserved better than him. They were admiral words but had no meaning behind them. I knew that was not the real reason.

He and his family were coming up to this area for a reunion and he said that his mom wanted to meet my daughter. We were all excited; the day we had waited for. But he kept putting her off as to a day and time. He had gifts he wanted to give her, she also had gifts and one of her Senior portrait pictures. He told me that it wasn't fair that they could see each other for just a few hours and then he'd be gone. Then in the next sentence he said the meeting would probably not happen, but he told her it would. He was tripping over his own lies.

I feel he was a good kid caught up in an unhappy home and my daughter was his safe haven. We all need that time to time but I felt he 'needed' her far more than he should have. It's never good to 'need' someone. I tried to tell her it causes bitterness later in life when the neediness still goes on; it comes from experience. We got along well and he opened another FB account so he could keep in contact with us, without his mother's knowledge. We would chat now and then and he'd call me Mom. I have to admit, I kind of liked it. But recently his postings had changed and I could see some turmoil going on and I knew something was going to happen. After his texts that early morning, he dumped us all from FB, ouch.

My gut felt knotted for the few hours since he texted until her phone rang. He had to use either his brother's or sister's phone because he was still banned from using his own. He texted through G mail and that was the only real way they could communicate. But he called and she answered and I could hear her from her room crying and I wanted to cry too but I was not supposed to know. I busied myself around the house and was downstairs when she came down to tell me. It was hard to exclaim surprise.

What could I say? No words I would have or still have matter. It's just something we've all been through, some more than once. We watch tv shows where her favorite characters break up who are even much older. I remind her that it happens to everyone. But it doesn't make it any less painful.

Being the ever protective parent I emailed him a week later, I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer.

"Dear Travis,

You have no idea the restraint I have shown to email you up till now. But everyday I get more angry at what you have done, that I must tell you how I feel. It's not that you broke up with her, but how you did it and the speed in which you made that decision. It seems as though in one day of not speaking to her that you came to the decision. I appreciate that you told me first, and no, she does not know that yet. But your reasoning was too rehearsed, too made up as to hide the real reason. I feel there is much more to the story and you had help in that decision. As in perhaps your Mom.....or another girl?

You can ignore this email as much as you ignore hers and you may be fine with that. But some day the truth will come out. You broke her, and you broke us; with one simple phone call. She said you were crying and I felt bad for you, but should I? You took a beautiful trusting girl and broke her heart; doing exactly what you promised her and us that you would never do. That's very hard for a parent to witness. She hasn't cried, she doesn't want to, probably because she feels she will never stop.

We've all been there. Breakups aren't new. But when it's your own little girl who has never loved anybody before and then you make all these promises that you never intended to keep. I really never thought of myself as a meddling mother but we invested in you. We invested our love and our caring and you threw that away as well as her love. I loved you as my own and the hours I spent in scanning all of her baby pictures as a gift to you will now go unappreciated. The things she bought for you and still wants to give to you will never touch your hands.

You told me the picnic would not happen, you told her it would. You told her you had a 'job' that would keep you busy for many years. What the heck did that mean? If it's Missionary work, then say it! You're so cryptic in your answers and not very forthcoming and honest. I believe she deserves some honesty from you, for once. If in time you feel you want to get back together with her, that trust will be gone, definitely by me. I'm afraid I will never feel the same about you. And I hope that she is smart enough to think twice about it too.

Yes, you broke her but she'll heal in time. I'm afraid that she will not be very trusting for a long time to come though. And my wish for you is that you seek counseling. I still believe your family has messed you up but you have to take some responsibility and be more honest in your relationships and not be so tied to your past and the things that happened. You are a good person but somehow I don't think you believe it, so you do things that will make people believe what you do. I hope you figure that out some day because I do feel you have a lot to offer in this life but until you can come to terms with your past, you will never really have a happy future....with anyone."

In chatting with some of his friends, she has found out the truth, that he cheated on her. A girl at church who had a crush on him for some time. Maybe he just gave in, who knows. Maybe he realized that all of his dreaming and planning for a future with daughter would not work out.

Little by little she's letting go, deleting saved voice mails and pictures from her phone. A picture on her dresser is turned down. She's moved from sad to mad and that's a good thing. She's a tough and smart kid, she'll be fine. She bought a cute t-shirt with Sr. Seuss fish on it that says, "Plenty O' Fish In The Sea", and she wore it on the first day of school. Yup, she's going to be just fine.


Grumpy said…
Hard lesson to learn. Probably won't be the last. Plenty of fish is right.
fernvalley01 said…
she will be better than fine , she will be wonderful, how could she not with a mom who loves her so. and remember they only call it "first love" because its not the only or the last
bill said…
I remember my daughter's first breakup. I wasn't as close to it as my wife was but it was tough on my daughter. I know it's tough but from what you say maybe it's for the best. You hearts heal and maybe gain something.
NJ said…
She's definitely in the right place with donning a plenty of fish shirt. I remember my daughter's first break up. After 3 years and one year apart her first love found someone else. She was devastated but I was very happy it was over. She's had a few bad breakups since and now at 26 has found the love of her life. I think this guy is the one. I can see the difference. He is truly in love. And I am happy. We feel so much of the pain that our children go through as if it was our own.
I hate the thought of all the heartbreak our children have to go through.
D. Duplessis said…
This kid talked to you about all of this first? Seriously? Wow. Good riddance, kid! Good lord. What a misguided wimp. Did this boy have a penis or wasn't he allowed to take it out and be a man occasionally? Your daughter is soooo much better off without this kid. Dang. It totally boggles my mind that he talked with you about it. Dang.
Claire King said…
I know what you mean about investing yourself in HER bofriend. I have done that with my children too and it is sad, and we cannot cure it. Heartbreak is a constant until...until? I don't know what that is. Being a good listener is important right now.

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