A Little Slice of Life

We have a feature in our newspaper called "The Slice". It's my favorite part of the paper. Paul writes about the funny things that go on in town and he encourages people to write in. Even though he has no kids of his own, he loves stories about them. I've been sending little stories in since our daughter was small and he's even talked to her a few times on the phone for help with bigger stories. These are the ones I've written over the years, all in his words except not using her name (or mine).
Once when her daughter was about 18 months old, Kden saw red coming from the little girl’s nose. “I thought her nose was bleeding,” she wrote.

So she grabbed a tissue and attended to the child. “I proceeded to pull three or four strands of beets out of each nostril. I never knew so much stuff could fit up one tiny little nose,” said Kden.
Kid Stuff: "I knew my 3-year-old daughter had watched way too much of 'Lady and the Tramp' when her dad called her a 'Little Lady' and she said "I'm not a lady--I'm a tramp."
Kids sense things: "My 5-year-old daughter is so astute," wrote Kden. "F likes to chat and ask me how my day was. This particular day was rough because I was having computer problems. But I smiled, put on my game face and told her my day was going pretty good. After a while she said, 'OK, now tell me about your REAL day.'"
Grocery shopping can be exciting: Here's one more reason to check out the ads in Wednesday's food section. "My husband was teasing me the other day and said he was going to go out and 'get a hot babe,'" wrote Kden.

She laughed and inquired about just where he planned to find one. But before he had a chance to respond, the couple's 5-year-old daughter, F, answered for him.

(This one drew some criticism in a 'Letter to the editor' column. The woman thought it was off color and compared it to other stories about sex offenders. But someone later came to my defense and thought it was funny. I also wrote in my own defense.)
If you're a little kid who has been learning about Antarctica, it's easy to confuse South Hill and South Pole.

North-sider Kden had explained to her 6 year-old daughter that a party they would attend was way up on the South Hill. She told F it would be a long drive.

After the party was over, she asked her daughter if she had a good time.

"Well," said the little girl. "I really expected to see some penguins up there."

Home and away: “Our 8-year-old daughter F has one of her friends on speed-dial (#9) at home,” wrote Kden. “So imagine her surprise when she is at her grandma’s and wants to call the same friend and gets her grandma’s older, husky-voiced friend on the phone instead.”

In that moment, F had several choices.

She could have said, “Caitlyn, when did you become a werewolf?”

Or she might have asked, “Have you been drinking, Madison?”

But instead F figured out what had happened and was polite enough to apologize for dialing a wrong number.
Lullaby and good night: Mr. Kden's 9-year-old daughter F was listening to him talk about when he used to work at a veneer plant years ago. "Stop Daddy." she said. "Wait until bedtime so you can finish that story and put me to sleep."
Not obtuse: Kden's daughter, F, a fifth-grader, recently looked at her mom and informed her that she had "math" on her face.

Kden asked her what she meant. "She said that my crow's-feet were acute angles."
Kden said she tried not to be offended when a little boy used her for shade while visiting her daughter's school and hanging out in the playground. "This little boy came right up to me and got real close".

She asked him if he was hiding from someone and the boy said, "No, I'm hot."
These are ones I sent in that didn't mention the kid.

Dealing with telemarketers: Mr. Kden got a sales call and answered by saying that he wasn't home. When the caller asked if his wife was home, Mr. Kden said, "No, neither one of us is here."

Holiday tradition: “I know some people might not get it, but it would not be Thanksgiving in our family without someone asking my husband  to skip across the room,” wrote Kden. “He skips like a lead balloon with short legs. His grown sons goad him into it every year and we all laugh.”
Word power: "My mom had made some weird soup with squid in it (why, I'll never know) when we were younger," wrote Kden. "My little brother would have nothing to do with it. I tried to explain it to my mom--'He doesn't like the testicles.'

"My mom looked at me without blinking and said, 'It's tentacles.'"
Kden speaks to the attention-starved youths driving cars with super loud sound systems: "My annoyance with your booming  bass is matched only by the satisfaction I will feel in 30 years when you are all sporting hearing aids."
See, I've been opinionated for quite some time.


ethelmaepotter! said…
Stop! It's too early to be laughing so hard!

The one about the bedtime story had me cracking up! These are all just priceless!

(I just looked at my verification word - fosale - I swear to you, this same word was on a sign I saw several years in a poverty stricken area of Nashville - house fosale by owner.)
Grumpy said…
Doesn't look like any kids will be using you for shade again.
kden said…
yea kid, go find a tree!
bill said…
Interesting post, good stuff, funny.
Nezzy said…
Heeehehehe, I'm rollin' here!!! Yep, laughin' that ugly laugh! This was just priceless sweetie!

God bless ya and have a beautiful weekend!!!

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